I think I'd win the award for most fickle person right about now. And I just don't even know why I'm being so fickle. Guess it comes with being an infatuated teenager, even though I can't stand that word. infatuated....ick. idk just something about it, but i def can't say in love so idk what else to call it. Annnnnnyways...this is really boring. new year's is very soon, kinda makes me reflect on 2005 but more than that it makes me wonder what's gonna happen next year, 2 pretty good mysteries on my hands right now...matt's feelings and the future. hmmm hope they both turn out well, i guess it's jsut what I make of it. alright well i have nothing to say so umm yea. the end.

MS

...but my god it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

Tears. drowning in them. invisible. telling myself it's ok when I know it's not. cry myself to sleep. face stained. fury. sadness. longing. missing. bottled up. buried inside. no one hears my cries. i'm too far away from them. reaching. hoping. someone come to my rescue. don't give up. it'll all be alright. one day my tears will all overflow. bursting. breaking the seams. the limits. exposed. but afterward it will all be alright.

idk i wrote it last march, i like it a lot even tho it kinda sucks..like it takes no skill to write something like that but idc. umm not really the same situation but i'm putting it up anyways

I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. All day I've just wanted to lay down and sleep like for a long time, partly from being tired but partly from just having to do things that didn't matter to me all day. Not exactly sure where this nonmotivation came from but it was sure added to by the fact that I concluded today that maybe I should jsut give up on matt. Because I feel like it's a waste of emotion to spend so much time and thought and feeling liking him when I swear he just doesnt even care. Idk it's the whole "don't cry over anyone who wouldn't cry over you" and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't and I've already cried over him too much already so yea (not literally cried but like spent too much thought and time on him) I mean there's no use liking someone who could care less about you right? I guess I should include the fact that I don't know for sure that he doesnt care (as nancy reiterated abtou 65 times) but it realy does seem like it. Idk right now I'm trying really really hard just not to care, like not to feel anything...maybe that's why I'm so unmotivated but yea. Ugh I hate whne I'm like over reacting or like most likely over reacting and I know it but I can't stop. It's really annoying hating yourself. alright well that's it. add more later?

M

How do you miss someone so much when you never even had them in the first place?

so confused.
i absolutely hate this feeling.
*It's like I'm lost, it's like i'm giving up slowly...*
Like a part of me really just wants to get over him because i'm so convinced he thinks nothing of me. But at the same time there's this fleeting hope that if I keep liking him maybe he'll like me too and everything'll work out. it won't be horrible and awkward between us, we'll be able to have a conversation without me feeling self concious. I just feel like I've messed this up too badly, like now there's no going back to the wreckage, it's too late and there's no survivors left. But that other part of me says there is, there's one child buried screaming for help under the wreckage, his hope of being rescued disappearing by the minute. I have to go back for him, for that single shred of hope; that one ray of sunlight shining down on the damage.

way too confused and muddled,
madelyn