so it's been a year but im coming back to this. I needed somewhere to just ramble on a bit and i thought of this. especially since no one reads it so im not worried about censoring it for people or anything.
i thought i found it, what i was longing for and waiting for forever. I found someone who loves me so much and who i love in return, all i'd ever really wanted out of life. it was perfect. i couldnt believe how amazing it was and kept being. we were (are?)inseperable and spend over 1/2 our days talking to eachother. lately though we mostly spend it fighting and making up because neither of us can stay mad at eachother for too long. Even if im mad at him i want to be with him. I'm so dependent on him that that's why i can't stay mad at him. in the beginning i opened up to him so fast like i had never done before and it was really special but now it scares me that i did that because it jsut latches me on more. It's like i can't survive without him and not in a good way. I really do love him but i feel like i need to distnace myself because i'm too dependent. He's going to live like 3 hours away next year, then what am i going to do? I don't want to live for the little bit fo time he'll have for me and i need to be able to go on alright when he's not around. Right now i don't think i can do that but i need to. I need distance but i don't want it and i dont know how to get it. Taking a break will totally give him the wrong impression and if i tell him what im typing now he'll take it to mean i dont love him or that i dont have enough faith in our relationship. I jsut want him to realize that i do love him and jsut because i need space doesnt change that. i want him to realize that im also an overdramatic pessimistic person and will most likely change my mind about things really quickly. i want him to know that im sorry that i'm a bitch to him alot and i make him think that i dont love him but at the same time i have my issues and if he's gonna date me he needs to jsut deal with some of that and not take it personally or whatever. idk ive kind of lost track of what im even going for so i'll stop i guess. mostly im jsut kind of disappointed in what love turned out to really be like. ...if this is really even love.