so it's been a year but im coming back to this. I needed somewhere to just ramble on a bit and i thought of this. especially since no one reads it so im not worried about censoring it for people or anything.
i thought i found it, what i was longing for and waiting for forever. I found someone who loves me so much and who i love in return, all i'd ever really wanted out of life. it was perfect. i couldnt believe how amazing it was and kept being. we were (are?)inseperable and spend over 1/2 our days talking to eachother. lately though we mostly spend it fighting and making up because neither of us can stay mad at eachother for too long. Even if im mad at him i want to be with him. I'm so dependent on him that that's why i can't stay mad at him. in the beginning i opened up to him so fast like i had never done before and it was really special but now it scares me that i did that because it jsut latches me on more. It's like i can't survive without him and not in a good way. I really do love him but i feel like i need to distnace myself because i'm too dependent. He's going to live like 3 hours away next year, then what am i going to do? I don't want to live for the little bit fo time he'll have for me and i need to be able to go on alright when he's not around. Right now i don't think i can do that but i need to. I need distance but i don't want it and i dont know how to get it. Taking a break will totally give him the wrong impression and if i tell him what im typing now he'll take it to mean i dont love him or that i dont have enough faith in our relationship. I jsut want him to realize that i do love him and jsut because i need space doesnt change that. i want him to realize that im also an overdramatic pessimistic person and will most likely change my mind about things really quickly. i want him to know that im sorry that i'm a bitch to him alot and i make him think that i dont love him but at the same time i have my issues and if he's gonna date me he needs to jsut deal with some of that and not take it personally or whatever. idk ive kind of lost track of what im even going for so i'll stop i guess. mostly im jsut kind of disappointed in what love turned out to really be like. ...if this is really even love.

"And we hope against all logic and experience..."


before what you were giving me tasted like wine,
so wonderful and intoxicating
now i realize its poison
...but I can't stop drinking it
I don't even want to
you're killing me and all I have to do to live is let go
but I keep grabbing on and trying to not see the bitter truth
everyone's telling me to run the other way
but I make excuses for you and disguise the poison as wine
I wish I could just give up on you and be hopeless and get over it
but I still imagine you the way I want things to be...
me intoxicated with wine and not poison and you...
actually wanting me too


"This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters but we never stood a chance and I'm not sure if it matters..."

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has lead you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...

But I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go

A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

I'm losing you and its effortless...

If I don't say this now I will surely break As I'm leaving the one I want to take; Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait, My heart has started to separate...

so this is where you are and this is where I am...somewhere between unsure and a hundred.

as he goes left and you stay right...between the lines of fear and blame

I was dead wrong all along...
~the fray...can't even describe how much i love this band right now

they say watch what yuo ask for cuz you might receive but if you ask me tomorrow I'll say the same thing...I am ready for love ~India.Arie

Always felt I was outside looking in on you; You're always the mysterious one...Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see, This is my heart bleeding before you, This is me down on my knees, and...These foolish games are tearing me apart ~Jewel

Do you even see?
...that I'm the leaf and you're the wind that's blowing me
back and forth, swaying between smiles and tears
why do I want you so bad
when this love and you are all the things I fear?
~yea just kinda jotted that down in about 5 sec, no revision and yes it sucks.

"the woman who never hears 'no' when asking a guy out has never had a relationship in her whole life"
just some "encouraging" words. trying to pump myself up for rejection/really awkward situations to follow. But between the "everybody experiences rejection" pep talk and the "well it could end up REALLY good" and the "i'll regret it if i don't" speech hopefully I'll be ready when the time is right. AHHHH!

I think I'd win the award for most fickle person right about now. And I just don't even know why I'm being so fickle. Guess it comes with being an infatuated teenager, even though I can't stand that word. infatuated....ick. idk just something about it, but i def can't say in love so idk what else to call it. Annnnnnyways...this is really boring. new year's is very soon, kinda makes me reflect on 2005 but more than that it makes me wonder what's gonna happen next year, 2 pretty good mysteries on my hands right now...matt's feelings and the future. hmmm hope they both turn out well, i guess it's jsut what I make of it. alright well i have nothing to say so umm yea. the end.

MS

...but my god it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...